Dear Uncle T,
I was at a block party last week and I woke up the next morning in a strange bed with a hot dog stuffed down the front of my underwear. What do I do?

Worried in Boston

Dear Worried,
Whatever you do, don't eat the hot dog. Other than that, you're on your own, pal.

Uncle T

Dear Uncle T,
My girlfriend just told me she no longer wants to give me blowjobs. She says she doesn't like to give them and that if I really loved her I wouldn't ask her to do them. I really love this girl, so what should I do?

Anxious in Alabama

Dear Anxious,
Are you even allowed to get a blowjob in Alabama? Aren't those things illegal down there? I was down in Talladega this one time for a NASCAR race and I got hammered and hooked up with this waitress who was missing her front teeth. I figured I was in for a great time, but then when I aimed for that big old slot between her teeth she told me to hold on because they didn't do things like that down in Alabama. I asked her why not and she said because if we did we'd get arrested. I didn't believe her and I complained a little bit, but then I got her pants off and saw the absolute forest I'd have to contend with if I had to return the favor, so all of a sudden I wasn't feeling so bad about the deal. Some laws are there for a reason, so I downed half a bottle of Jim Beam and don't exactly remember what happened next, though I did cough up a 3-lb. hair ball a week after I got home, so who knows. Maybe you should just move to another state.

Uncle T

Dear Uncle T,
I'm going to a party this weekend and I'm not sure about the proper etiquette. Should I bring a case of beer, or a bottle of good wine, or some really nice bourbon I know the host will like?

Confused in Queens

Dear Confused,
Yes.

Uncle T

Dear Uncle T,
I think I may have a phobia. Every time I see a commercial for that new Joey show my heart starts racing and I have trouble breathing. What does this mean?

Sincerely,
TV Junkie

Dear TV Junkie,
Ever been up at 3:30 in the morning, drunk off your ass and looking for some "adult" entertainment to help take the edge off before you go to sleep? If you're doing this on a Sunday night you're pretty much on your own, because the cable stations aren't putting on anything with even half a boob shot. What's a man gotta do to get some spank material at 3:30 in the morning? I've gotta get up for work in 4 hours and I just need to bust a nut! This is America! What's the problem? You should be more worried about that and less worried about Joey, which is bound to be cancelled any week now. I mean, Drea DeMatteo is fine, but you can't rub one out at 8:00 on a Thursday. You're not a savage. So seriously, stop watching network TV or something. Pussy.

Uncle T

Dear Uncle T,
I'm having real problems at work. My boss is an idiot who doesn't know what he's doing. And even worse, he walks around all day whistling and humming until it's all I can do to keep myself from killing him. I can't take it any more. What can I do?

Sincerely,
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
I can totally relate, pal. I've had some bad bosses in my day. I remember this one time I was working, oh, I don't remember, somewere in the city. And I was at this party one night drinking grain alcohol mixed with Hawaiian Punch and playing quarters. Well around about 2 in the morning all of a sudden I saw my beer can slide across the table under its own power. Scared the crap out of me. I thought for sure I'd killed my last brain cell that night. What a riot. Then I think I went to work the next day, and my boss wasn't so much of an idiot. Or no, I think that was on a weekend. And maybe I was in school when that happened. But yeah, you're screwed. Might as well go out after work and have a drink. Or mix some grain alcohol into your boss's mid-afternoon Sprite.

Uncle T

Dear Uncle T,
One of my testicles is larger than the other. Is this a problem?

Sincerely,
TW, NYC

Dear TW,
Well, no two parts of the human body are exactly the same size. It's like, have you ever gotten a woman into bed and grabbed onto her boobs and found that one fit nicely into your hand and one maybe spilled out a little bit? Either one of her boobs was bigger than the other or one of your hands is smaller than the other (which might explain why you're the only one who uses the word "mighty" when describing whatever the hell is going on down there in your underwear zone). But really, if it's a slight size difference that never changes, chances are it's no big deal (which, be honest with old Uncle T here, isn't the first time you've heard the term "no big deal" when talking about the old underwear zone). Now if one of those bad boys is the size of a ping pong ball and the other is the size of a Christmas ham, or one is the size of a raisin and the other has offered to split the rent with you next month, then you might want to get that checked out. Now stop playing with your balls while surfing my web site.

Uncle T

Dear Uncle T,
I've been trying to date this girl I know from the neighborhood, but I don't know how to approach her. What's the best way to introduce myself without making her think I'm some kind of stalker?

Yours truly,
TD, Alaska

Dear TD,
That reminds me of this one night, I was driving around with my friend at like 4 in the morning while we were looking for a diner to have some breakfast. I had a six pack in the back seat and some peppermint schnapps in my jacket pocket. We were somewhere on the FDR and he starts telling me about this girl he used to date and how she never said anything nice about him when they went out together. So I asked him why he never dumped the bitch. And he said he did. So I told him to get off at the Houston Street exit because I knew a place we could get good pancakes. But it was closed, so we went home and I passed out for 13 hours. So, I don't know, go get pancakes and see if you still want to go out with this girl. Maybe the waitress will talk to you.

Uncle T

Dear Uncle T,
Every day my e-mail Inbox is filled with e-mails telling me that my penis is tiny, or it doesn't work right, or it doesn't satisfy my wife. This is starting to make me feel very self-consious every time I check my e-mail. What can I do to stop this?

Confused,
BN, Kansas City

Dear BN,
Seriously, who the hell are you to question the Internet? Don't you think maybe you're getting all these e-mails for a reason? Go to the mirror and look yourself square in the eye and ask yourself if it's really a mystery why you're getting all these e-mails. And then once you've done that, I think we all know the answer to your problems will be fairly obvious.

Uncle T

Dear Uncle T,
I'm hearing a voice in my head all the time. Whenever I get up to give a speech, or answer some questions, or even whisper sweet nothings into my wife's ear at night, there's always this other voice in my head telling me what to do. It's really weird, and every day I'm afraid I'm having a harder time hiding this problem from the people around me. What can I do?

Worried,
GB, Texas

Dear GB,
That voice isn't telling you to kill all your neighbors, is it? It doesn't sound like Karl Rove, does it? Seriously, this reminds me of this one time back in the late 80s when I could swear I heard some mysterious voice yelling at me. This went on for hours, and I couldn't figure out where the voice was coming from or who it was. Finally I realized it was my boss yelling at me to wake up because I'd gone out drinking the night before and had accidentally passed out at my desk. He told me to go home and not come back until I had sobered up. But the joke was on him because I'd lost my keys when I was out drinking so I just passed out in someone else's cube for the rest of the day. So maybe you should stop drinking. And if that doesn't help, maybe you should start drinking.

Uncle T

Dear Uncle T,
Recently I took a trip to Ireland and everyone I met there thought I was gay. Since I'm not actually gay, this bothered me. Is there anything I can do to keep this from happening the next time I take a trip?

Sincerely,
FM, New York

Dear FM,
This one night I was hanging out and one of my friends started talking about wine. Another friend shut him up real quick by telling him that only gay men know anything about wine. This, of course, is crazy, since anyone, gay or straight, can learn all about wine. They'll become a hopelessly boring jackass as they drone on and on about it over dinner, but knowledge about wine has nothing to do with sexual orientation. If you want to make sure this doesn't happen to you again, next time you take a trip stop trying to suck some guy's dick and I guarantee you no one will think you're gay.

Uncle T

Dear Uncle T,
This week I saw that new Pixar film The Incredibles, and Elastigirl gave me a warm and tingly feeling down deep in my underwear. Is that normal, or is there something wrong with me?

Sincerely,
RT, New York

Dear RT,
Let's think about this for a second. You're getting all hot and bothered over a cartoon woman. A woman who's not real. A woman, therefore, who you have exactly no chance at ever scoring with. And yet you prefer to pursue that rather than spending time with real women. Who, come to think of it, you also have exactly no chance at ever scoring with. Hmmm, this one's tougher than I thought.

Uncle T