October 13, 2008

Last week after the stock market failed to bounce back in response to the bailout plan he signed into law, President Bush promised to keep working to improve the failing economy. His first idea? Placing $500 in the middle of the board so that you can collect it if you land on Free Parking.

In other Wall Street news, the Dow Jones Index went through its worst week in history last week, dropping almost as many points as President Bush's approval rating dropped in the same span.

This week scientists confirmed the second case of virgin birth in a shark, this time a pup born to a blacktip shark in the Virginia Aquarium and Marine Science Center with no sign of any male chromosomes in its DNA. While the scientists aren't sure if this is just another previously unknown ability of these sharks, or a response to the drop in the number of potential mates, I for one welcome our man-eating Messiahs, and hope they'll take my aversion to sea food into account on Judgment Day.

In other science news, researchers said last week that stem cells retrieved from human testicles can be turned into virtually any cell in the body. The only problem? So far scientists claim they've only been able to come up with an oral method of retrieval and none of their wives will believe a word of their research paper.

This weekend GOP Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin dropped the first puck at a Philadelphia Flyers/New York Rangers game. Palin was then whistled for high sticking and was forced to serve a two-minute minor before leaving the ice.

In other campaign news, the Foo Fighters blasted GOP candidate John McCain for using their song My Hero without their permission, and demanded that he stop immediately. While strangely enough, N.W.A. has no problem with Barack Obama using Fuck tha Police at his campaign stops.

Last week McCain angrily declared Obama a terrorist for his ties to former radical Weatherman William Ayers, though it's still too early to rule out the possibility that McCain's hacked off at any possible Obama/Weatherman relationship because it rained during last week's debate and he ruined a new pair of shoes walking from his bus.

An examination of campaign finance records by the New York Times last week revealed that Senator Obama received nearly 3,000 donations from donors with fictitious donor information. While the donations in question represent a tiny fraction of the money raised by the Senator's campaign, they do raise concerns that money is being donated illegally and it's not being discovered and returned in a timely manner. In response to the story, an Obama spokesman said the campaign is doing everything it can to return any money that comes from donors who appear to be fictitious. And also in response to the story, key Obama donor Heywood Jablowme said he wishes the New York Times would mind its own damn business.

A new study shows that sending text messages while driving is more dangerous than drinking and driving. And even worse, it involves a lot more spelling.

A London woman who recently celebrated her 105th birthday said the secret to her long life was celibacy, that she'd never married, and imagined that sex was little more than "a hassle." She also expressed shock that shortly after her story turned up on Internet news sites around the world, she received a job offer from Senator Hillary Clinton to be her husband's new assistant.

Last week OJ Simpson was convicted of breaking and entering, kidnapping, and generally being one of the worst ex-husbands in history.

In its first 10 days of release, Beverly Hills Chihuahua brought in more than $52 million, which actually makes me feel a little better about the $700 billion bailout, because while initially I didn't think it was right for the government to spend our money to bail out greedy bankers, we've obviously just proved we can't be trusted to decide how to spend our money either. So thanks. Walt Disney Company. Thanks a lot.

In other economic news, Democratic leaders this weekend called for another economic stimulus plan on top of the recent $700 billion bailout. However, since initial talks about this plan didn't even once mention a $1 billion bailout of my bank account, I'm not interested.

I mean seriously, is it even possible for me to spend $1 billion worse than Congress or the President have? I don't think so.

Last week General Motors suffered its worst day in history, with its stock dropping to levels not seen since the 1950s. But on the bright side, this could mean tail fins will be making a comeback.

With the economy in its current state, you might be wondering if there's any way that you can try to keep your own finances out of trouble. It's always good to have a plan, and since this site doesn't get too many Fortune 500 CEOs to visit, it's a safe bet that you all need one. Fortunately for you, I've got what you need right here in...

Tgreen's Top Ten Ways to Survive Today's Economy:
10. Start selling George W Bush voodoo dolls
9. Find a job in the pornography industry
8. Learn to speak Chinese
7. Start working on designs for Palin in 2012 t-shirts
6. Legally change your name to AIG and see if you can get a piece of that bailout money
5. Sell Top Ten lists to desperate website writers
4. Invent iPhone app that locates 5 nearest bread lines
3. Acquire rights to last foreign TV show not already remade in America; sell it to CBS
2. Start selling "Authentic" Yankee Stadium dirt from your backyard
1. Figure out how many times you have to use the words "Obama", "terrorist" and "my friends" in the same paragraph to get a sweet job with the McCain campaign

And that's all the time we have this week. Come on back next week for more of the same, only with jokes this time. Or not.

T "moral victory" green